I had a dream the other night that took my belief away. I must believe in something when evil lurks in the room. We all pray to some God when time comes up...runs up. I felt that feeling and continue to live a life more abundantly. What you own here becomes your labor when you leave here. I need not reap a shitty crop. I'd rather change the world and expand my chances of living forever. We live through one another, I think, and as a result we cannot accept change without trial upon trial to prove it true. At 25, I've realized enough to let go of the trivialities in life that blind you from the nature of life...tribulation. I'm ready to ride the wave and behave in a manner that maintains a consistent persona.
So, growing old has reminded me that I was once, very recently, a person looking for a persona. Kids are roaming throughout the street looking for the next look. I have no aspirations to influence, but I'm often saddened by the product. I'm an elitist and when confronted with realism on a non-militaristic level I am often inarticulate. I must be clear, now, and say that I understand my discontent...I feel a harangue and embrace it with reluctant hands. Time is less important in a realization that nothing matters. I am not a nihilist, but I respect the denotation...perhaps I yearn to be it. I am lost and the most aware I've ever been on earth. Losing a life allows you to accept it. I am losing it constantly and becoming surprisingly complacent with the thought. If I become nothing then everything I do possesses a level of importance that once lay dormant. I can recreate myself with my shallow, fleeting and often useless, youth. My youth is my vessel if I chose to embrace the journey.
Marcus is back in town and I think I'm ready to leap. If he is, then why not me? Exactly. I am excited--ready to become a changed man and changed I am. So how changed will I become when I cease to be a "me" and just "be?"
Excited to find my poor youth...I am.
